FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE

Friday

Pet Peeves

I have heard that if you bury your anger and never openly express it, it can destroy you. To avoid any future psychological trauma, I feel it necessary to reveal a few things that have been on my mind for quite some time. These things don’t just annoy me. They don’t just irritate me. They infuriate me.

1. Larry the Cable Guy actually has a career. And, it is gaining momentum, despite the fact that he is, in no way, funny.

2. The same can be said for Carlos Mencia. “Mind of Mencia” has been picked up for a 4th season.

3. Regardless of the fact that the phrase “Git-r-done” doesn’t mean anything (and, is actually just a random, ridiculous collection of letters and punctuation) people will still use it in everyday conversation, emblazon it across the rear window of their vehicle, and stitch it onto a Confederate flag displayed outside of their house (i.e. trailer).

4. Original and smart comedy is being replaced by catch phrases.

5. No one seems to notice that every episode of “Everybody Loves Raymond” is exactly the same. Yet, it ran for nine seasons and is still in syndication. The same can be said for “Home Improvement.”

6. While ridiculously vapid and redundant shows like “Everybody Loves Raymond” or “Home Improvement” are allowed to run for 9 seasons, “Arrested Development” was cancelled after 3 seasons. And, it wasn’t even allowed to run a full 3rd season.

7. Movies like “Stomp the Yard” and “Who’s your Caddy” are actually produced.

8. Not only were “Stomp the Yard” and “Who’s your Caddy” produced. They were released nationally. Yet, I had to drive over an hour to find a theatre showing “Juno.”

9. Huge marketing campaigns are put behind television shows such as “Lipstick Jungle.” But, barely any attention is given to a show like “Journeyman,” causing it to be cancelled after only 13 episodes.

10. Commercial jingles did not die out in the 1950’s. Instead they are growing in number and their level of annoyance is multiplying exponentially (I’m looking at you FreeCreditReport.com).

11. Television and radio stations will even run these same annoying commercials multiple times during every commercial break of the same show. Yet, the truly funny and entertaining commercials which required at least a modicum of talent to put together are rarely put on the air.

12. “Reality TV” still thrives.


13. No one seems to understand the definition of “reality.”

14. American Idol is in its 7th season. Yet, in their commercials, they still use the phrase “There can be only 1.”

15. Similarly, 97.1 “The River” (an Atlanta-based radio station) has been on the air for over 2 years. Yet, they still refer to themselves, on the air and on their website, as the “NEW 97.1 The River.”

16. Rap “music” has become the juggernaut of the music industry.

17. Concordantly, Rap has inflicted on society a severe loss of basic grammar and communication skills, a culture which celebrates criminal behavior and lionizes thugs, and a perpetuation of the victim mentality.

18. Rap artists don’t seem to understand the basic idea of spelling in the English language. Instead, they mispronounce and redefine words, effectively creating a new word, then spell out the new word phonetically. (i.e Flo Rida, Shawty, or Soulja)

19. Apparently unaware that it looks like they have taken a wrong turn off of the ski lift, girls are still wearing Ugg boots.

20. In addition, girls are still unaware that oversized sunglasses actually make them look more like a Geocoris than an attractive human female.

21. It is still possible to walk into a public place and see males ages 13-30 with popped collars.

22. Regardless of how much noise, commotion, and trouble their child makes, parents will always believe that their child is an adorable little angel, and that everyone else around them is in complete agreement.

23. Though they fear that children are being oversexualized, parents apparently have no problem buying their 5 year old daughters Bratz dolls, or dressing them like underage prostitutes at age 12.

24. The average American can name all of Brad and Angelina’s children, and they could name the previous 6 winners of American Idol. The average man could tell you the names of every quarterback currently playing college and professional football. Yet, these same people couldn’t name their 2 United States Senators if their lives depended on it. Thus is the nature of our celebrity worship culture.

25. No one seems to understand the definition of the word “racist.” Nine times out of ten, when someone labels something as “racist,” in reality the term does not apply. To quote Íñigo Montoya, “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”


Those are just a few of mine. What are yours?

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