FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE

Wednesday

Pet Peeves: Part Two

1. No one seems to understand the idea behind the left lane of traffic. Apparently, everyone skipped over the page in the driver’s handbook which specifically states that the left lane is for PASSING.


2. Despite the millions of dollars that we spend on road construction each year, many drivers avoid turning lanes like the plague. Instead, they will opt for coming to a complete stop in the middle of their lane, severely impede the traffic flow behind them, and VERY slowly cross over 3 lanes of traffic to make their turn.


3. Regardless of the fact that one cannot find the word “stop” anywhere in the term “speed bump,” I will inevitably always drive behind the person who will come to a complete stop for up to 30 seconds before proceeding over a speed bump at 0.0000000001mph.


4. Movie tickets and movies have an inverse relationship. Ticket prices for movies continue to increase exponentially while the quality of movies being spawned out of Hollywood is plummeting at free-fall speed.


5. Tyler Perry.


6. Tyler Perry. No, this isn’t a typo. He, and everything he produces, is so unbelievably annoying (and devoid of humor) that it necessitates giving him two spots on this list.


7. No one seems to understand that the phrase “I could care less” actually means that they DO, in fact, care. The phrase they are looking for is “I couldn’t care less.”


8. Despite the multiple warnings before a movie begins, and the general consensus that it is incredibly annoying and rude, people will still refuse to turn off their cell phones in a movie theatre. Even worse is the observation of a growing trend…people engaging in complete conversations on their cell phones during a movie.


9. The vocabulary of today’s teenagers consists of approximately 50 words, and that is in sharp decline.


10. A single sentence from the mouth of a teenager consists of a maximum of 10 words, at least half of those being the word “like.”


11. When teenagers use the word “like,” it is rarely used in the proper context. No longer does the word “like” mean “fond of” or “similar to.” Today, the word “like” is used as sentence filler.


12. When a natural disaster, or some other major event, takes place in the South, news outlets will send reporters into the field to get reactions from the public. Despite the large number of intelligent, articulate, and well-groomed citizens who may be available for comment, reporters will inevitably interview the inspiration for the movie “Deliverance” who speak with an unintelligible country accent and couldn’t string a coherent sentence together if their mullets depended on it.


13. Southern accents, in general. They are the predominate reason why most of the civilized world views Southerners as being stupid.


14. The average customer in a retail store has the observational ability of a blind monkey. They will not hesitate to ask how much an item is, despite the fact that the front of the package has a bright orange price tag the size of a billboard. (Fortunately, I no longer work in retail. But, for those of you who do…I feel your pain.)


15. A lot of people claim to love the platitudes of personal freedom and liberty, right up until the point where they have to take responsibility for their own bad decisions. At that point, they claim to be a part of the “less fortunate,” and demand that the Government engage in wealth redistribution in order to “level the playing field.”

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